Well, you know you are officially a loser when you feel as much turmoil over watching the rerun episode of the graduation of Capeside High on DVD as you do thinking back to your own graduation. I can't help it. I'm a dreamer, and I love to escape into movies and good (or, in some people's opinions - awful) TV. But it must be said that, in the defense of Dawson's Creek, something doesn't have to be real - or even ultimately realistic - to teach you something about life.
I've almost entirely committed myself to staying up all night. I've recently reacquainted myself with my old high school desire to never fall asleep. For the life of me I can't figure out if that's a step in the right direction or the wrong one, and for the life of me I don't at all care. I've taken on this new attitude, or more likely I feel as though it has taken on me, where I just don't care to worry about things, or feel bad emotions. Maybe it some sort of strange denial (although, in complete truth I don't know a damn thing I currently have to be in denial of), but I'm still happily accepting it into my life. After multiple years of constant worry over things I can't even really quite figure out or remember anymore, I welcome the opportunity to not think about anything in particular.
I do need to get a job though, by the end of the week. I'm painfully aware of what a failure I have been in that department thus far and I'm relatively certain that if I continue to fail I may push Jordan past his current state of subtle disappointment to some sort of legitimate despise. I am trying, even though I'm certain that it appears that I'm really not.
I will admit that these posts (this one in particular) are becoming much more personally dramatic than I was planning/hoping. Although I may not have yet shown anything to the contrary, this blog was not meant to relive my glory days of overly emotional blog writing that I'm not sure I could even muster up the energy to try and completely understand. However, as is my current position on all of my life, it is what it is and I have no desire to figure it out any more than that.
So anyway, I have decided I think I am going to write some old friends some embarrassing and possibly sappy letters about how I appreciate the moments they had in my life. Because if there is anything my melancholy and teen drama filled weeks of unemployment have produced, it is a bit of reflection and thankfulness. Of course, I am most likely going to send these "letters" over facebook simply because I'm currently too broke to afford the stamps (again - I need a job), but I still think it will be an interesting way to pass my night.. well, morning.
So, ladies and gentlemen, I bid you good evening (morning) for now. I don't have a daily picture (which I am a bit upset about - I wanted to make that a trend) due to the fact I don't feel like turning on any lights and disrupting the quiet to find my camera and memory card. But all the same, goodnight and good day.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Nostalgia-licious.
WARNING: This is going to be a long one. I can feel it.
Today I spent a great deal of time looking at pictures from the past four years of my life. And I have come to realize that having a wonderful past can lead you to develop into two very different and unique moods: the first, a general feeling of joy at the memories you have created and the luck that has come your way; the second, a nearly paralyzing fear that you will never again feel how you felt in those moments. If I was at all religious, I would have to scream to the heavens a million thank yous for the blessings I have received, for I have honestly had a wonderful twenty-two years. I had a joyous and fulfilling childhood. I had an entirely dream-filled high school filled with more belly-aching laughter than one person could ask for. And now, looking back from the official next step in my life, I see just how wonderful my undergraduate college years were. I could have once been quoted saying "When I leave Carbondale, I will miss only two things: Quatro's pizza and the people I have met. In that order." The pizza part was meant mostly as a joke (c'mon, their pizza is delicious!), but I certainly did not realize how much the second portion of that statement would ring true once I truly did leave. But I do miss those people - from the ones I saw every day when I walked down my stairs, to all of my freshman year crew, and everyone in-between - I miss them. Truly.
I need to get out and explore. I'm starting to go a bit stir-crazy in my current jobless, solitary lifestyle. Jordan is too busy to be much company. I've had to keep myself company, and honestly, it's been going quite well until today. All the stresses of not having a single, true break for about three years has built up into this three-week lazy, TV-rerun watching, pig fest. But I can tell, in this moment, that the hazy happiness I've been experiencing from sleeping until 11am and watching Dawson's Creek is about to come to a sudden halt. I'm a social being, and I need some attention right about now. I also need a job. Badly.
Here's a confession: I'm awful at maintaining friendships. Telephone communication gives me anxiety, but that really isn't an excuse in the day-and-age of texting. I just have this way of always looking to the future, and rarely to the past. Well, I suppose that's just what I like to tell myself. In reality, I probably simply have commitment issues (strange for someone in a 4+ year relationship, I know). I guess I have a fear of being forgotten, so I compensate by doing the forgetting. I have, what I like to call, a two-year curse. I have never, in my entire life, kept a "best friend" for a period of time longer than two years. Of course I have friends that I have known for longer than two years, and I am still close with some of them, but I have never kept the person that I consider my number one, my very best friend at that time, for longer than a two-year window. I call it a curse, but I think I've always sort of been proud of it. It made me feel independent and universally liked. And do not get me wrong, it has created an array of amazing experiences and I have been lucky enough to become close with so many different people, BUT I have very recently discovered that, in all reality, it's quite sad. Both in the depressing and pathetic senses of the word. I no longer feel any secret pride in the matter. It's been replaced by disappointment and a twinge of loneliness.
I won't let you close enough to hurt me, no. I won't ask you, you to just desert me.
I think I am just lonely today in general. It's to be expected when you move and start the next chapter of your life, but somehow I have always magically avoided that step with every previous turn of the page. I guess I'm just not so lucky this time. I find myself searching for meaning in my life with no success. I'm probably just looking too deeply.
I need to lighten this up. So, here are the photo-representations of my and Jordan's lives here in Madison right now. Try and discover who has been more productive thus far.
My in-depth relationship with my cookies, OR
Jordan's cluttered desk.
Yeah. He's been working hard, I've been hardly working (and by hardly, I mean not at all). It's safe to say that we are living two very separate lives in this one-bedroom apartment. Hopefully, the two can be reunited soon.
Well, I suppose that is probably enough rambling for one evening. I'll leave you with the photo of the day. Gaze upon this beautiful creature. (S)he was intently staring at a dog that was visiting the zoo that day. I've never been an inspired animal lover, but I do always find myself in awe of giraffes. The Madison Zoo provided me with three last Saturday. How fabulous it is to live in a city that has its own zoo.
Today I spent a great deal of time looking at pictures from the past four years of my life. And I have come to realize that having a wonderful past can lead you to develop into two very different and unique moods: the first, a general feeling of joy at the memories you have created and the luck that has come your way; the second, a nearly paralyzing fear that you will never again feel how you felt in those moments. If I was at all religious, I would have to scream to the heavens a million thank yous for the blessings I have received, for I have honestly had a wonderful twenty-two years. I had a joyous and fulfilling childhood. I had an entirely dream-filled high school filled with more belly-aching laughter than one person could ask for. And now, looking back from the official next step in my life, I see just how wonderful my undergraduate college years were. I could have once been quoted saying "When I leave Carbondale, I will miss only two things: Quatro's pizza and the people I have met. In that order." The pizza part was meant mostly as a joke (c'mon, their pizza is delicious!), but I certainly did not realize how much the second portion of that statement would ring true once I truly did leave. But I do miss those people - from the ones I saw every day when I walked down my stairs, to all of my freshman year crew, and everyone in-between - I miss them. Truly.
I need to get out and explore. I'm starting to go a bit stir-crazy in my current jobless, solitary lifestyle. Jordan is too busy to be much company. I've had to keep myself company, and honestly, it's been going quite well until today. All the stresses of not having a single, true break for about three years has built up into this three-week lazy, TV-rerun watching, pig fest. But I can tell, in this moment, that the hazy happiness I've been experiencing from sleeping until 11am and watching Dawson's Creek is about to come to a sudden halt. I'm a social being, and I need some attention right about now. I also need a job. Badly.
Here's a confession: I'm awful at maintaining friendships. Telephone communication gives me anxiety, but that really isn't an excuse in the day-and-age of texting. I just have this way of always looking to the future, and rarely to the past. Well, I suppose that's just what I like to tell myself. In reality, I probably simply have commitment issues (strange for someone in a 4+ year relationship, I know). I guess I have a fear of being forgotten, so I compensate by doing the forgetting. I have, what I like to call, a two-year curse. I have never, in my entire life, kept a "best friend" for a period of time longer than two years. Of course I have friends that I have known for longer than two years, and I am still close with some of them, but I have never kept the person that I consider my number one, my very best friend at that time, for longer than a two-year window. I call it a curse, but I think I've always sort of been proud of it. It made me feel independent and universally liked. And do not get me wrong, it has created an array of amazing experiences and I have been lucky enough to become close with so many different people, BUT I have very recently discovered that, in all reality, it's quite sad. Both in the depressing and pathetic senses of the word. I no longer feel any secret pride in the matter. It's been replaced by disappointment and a twinge of loneliness.
I won't let you close enough to hurt me, no. I won't ask you, you to just desert me.
I think I am just lonely today in general. It's to be expected when you move and start the next chapter of your life, but somehow I have always magically avoided that step with every previous turn of the page. I guess I'm just not so lucky this time. I find myself searching for meaning in my life with no success. I'm probably just looking too deeply.
I need to lighten this up. So, here are the photo-representations of my and Jordan's lives here in Madison right now. Try and discover who has been more productive thus far.
Yeah. He's been working hard, I've been hardly working (and by hardly, I mean not at all). It's safe to say that we are living two very separate lives in this one-bedroom apartment. Hopefully, the two can be reunited soon.
Well, I suppose that is probably enough rambling for one evening. I'll leave you with the photo of the day. Gaze upon this beautiful creature. (S)he was intently staring at a dog that was visiting the zoo that day. I've never been an inspired animal lover, but I do always find myself in awe of giraffes. The Madison Zoo provided me with three last Saturday. How fabulous it is to live in a city that has its own zoo.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Better late than never.
So, clearly, I did not start writing regularly when I previously announced that I would. But, I'm going to try to start now.
Update on life: I've graduated from SIUC. B.S. English Education: check. I moved to Madison with the lovely boyfriend. I will start graduate school at UW in September. I'm currently grudgingly searching for employment - not real, adult employment - but your average part-time job. I'm still avoiding real life.
I'm broke and I am unfortunately coming to the conclusion that it isn't as romantic as they make it seem in movies and novels. But, I'm considering trying desperately to convince myself otherwise, even if it takes a lot of self-lying.
I have downsized the number of television channels I have access to by at least one-tenth, and for some reason I love it. Everyone should try it. There is something so incredibly liberating about only having a handful of choices to rot your brain with.
I'm redeveloping insomnia, which is bad for daytime production, but excellent for blog writing.
I'm staring to feel old. Not in the "those darn kids need to keep the noise down" sort of way (although I am starting an address book), but more in the pressures of my role in society. I don't especially like it. Since when does being 22 require any sort of true maturity? It shouldn't.
They say you never know what you have until it's gone. I'm currently experiencing that cliche with all of my dearest friends. I miss them and my previous easy access to their faces.
This concludes the update on my life. I will try to give the world some more thoughtful perspectives in upcoming posts, but I can make no promises.
xoxo,
Alex
JUST KIDDING - that will not be how I end my posts. I promise. I'd never even seen that show until yesterday (remember the limited channel options - and sorry to any fans, it will not be joining my list of guilty pleasures).
Post Script:
I stole this from Google, since I haven't yet brought my camera out on the town. Madison is a beautiful place.
Update on life: I've graduated from SIUC. B.S. English Education: check. I moved to Madison with the lovely boyfriend. I will start graduate school at UW in September. I'm currently grudgingly searching for employment - not real, adult employment - but your average part-time job. I'm still avoiding real life.
I'm broke and I am unfortunately coming to the conclusion that it isn't as romantic as they make it seem in movies and novels. But, I'm considering trying desperately to convince myself otherwise, even if it takes a lot of self-lying.
I have downsized the number of television channels I have access to by at least one-tenth, and for some reason I love it. Everyone should try it. There is something so incredibly liberating about only having a handful of choices to rot your brain with.
I'm redeveloping insomnia, which is bad for daytime production, but excellent for blog writing.
I'm staring to feel old. Not in the "those darn kids need to keep the noise down" sort of way (although I am starting an address book), but more in the pressures of my role in society. I don't especially like it. Since when does being 22 require any sort of true maturity? It shouldn't.
They say you never know what you have until it's gone. I'm currently experiencing that cliche with all of my dearest friends. I miss them and my previous easy access to their faces.
This concludes the update on my life. I will try to give the world some more thoughtful perspectives in upcoming posts, but I can make no promises.
xoxo,
Alex
JUST KIDDING - that will not be how I end my posts. I promise. I'd never even seen that show until yesterday (remember the limited channel options - and sorry to any fans, it will not be joining my list of guilty pleasures).
Post Script:
I stole this from Google, since I haven't yet brought my camera out on the town. Madison is a beautiful place.
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