Today I spent a great deal of time looking at pictures from the past four years of my life. And I have come to realize that having a wonderful past can lead you to develop into two very different and unique moods: the first, a general feeling of joy at the memories you have created and the luck that has come your way; the second, a nearly paralyzing fear that you will never again feel how you felt in those moments. If I was at all religious, I would have to scream to the heavens a million thank yous for the blessings I have received, for I have honestly had a wonderful twenty-two years. I had a joyous and fulfilling childhood. I had an entirely dream-filled high school filled with more belly-aching laughter than one person could ask for. And now, looking back from the official next step in my life, I see just how wonderful my undergraduate college years were. I could have once been quoted saying "When I leave Carbondale, I will miss only two things: Quatro's pizza and the people I have met. In that order." The pizza part was meant mostly as a joke (c'mon, their pizza is delicious!), but I certainly did not realize how much the second portion of that statement would ring true once I truly did leave. But I do miss those people - from the ones I saw every day when I walked down my stairs, to all of my freshman year crew, and everyone in-between - I miss them. Truly.
I need to get out and explore. I'm starting to go a bit stir-crazy in my current jobless, solitary lifestyle. Jordan is too busy to be much company. I've had to keep myself company, and honestly, it's been going quite well until today. All the stresses of not having a single, true break for about three years has built up into this three-week lazy, TV-rerun watching, pig fest. But I can tell, in this moment, that the hazy happiness I've been experiencing from sleeping until 11am and watching Dawson's Creek is about to come to a sudden halt. I'm a social being, and I need some attention right about now. I also need a job. Badly.
Here's a confession: I'm awful at maintaining friendships. Telephone communication gives me anxiety, but that really isn't an excuse in the day-and-age of texting. I just have this way of always looking to the future, and rarely to the past. Well, I suppose that's just what I like to tell myself. In reality, I probably simply have commitment issues (strange for someone in a 4+ year relationship, I know). I guess I have a fear of being forgotten, so I compensate by doing the forgetting. I have, what I like to call, a two-year curse. I have never, in my entire life, kept a "best friend" for a period of time longer than two years. Of course I have friends that I have known for longer than two years, and I am still close with some of them, but I have never kept the person that I consider my number one, my very best friend at that time, for longer than a two-year window. I call it a curse, but I think I've always sort of been proud of it. It made me feel independent and universally liked. And do not get me wrong, it has created an array of amazing experiences and I have been lucky enough to become close with so many different people, BUT I have very recently discovered that, in all reality, it's quite sad. Both in the depressing and pathetic senses of the word. I no longer feel any secret pride in the matter. It's been replaced by disappointment and a twinge of loneliness.
I won't let you close enough to hurt me, no. I won't ask you, you to just desert me.
I think I am just lonely today in general. It's to be expected when you move and start the next chapter of your life, but somehow I have always magically avoided that step with every previous turn of the page. I guess I'm just not so lucky this time. I find myself searching for meaning in my life with no success. I'm probably just looking too deeply.
I need to lighten this up. So, here are the photo-representations of my and Jordan's lives here in Madison right now. Try and discover who has been more productive thus far.
Yeah. He's been working hard, I've been hardly working (and by hardly, I mean not at all). It's safe to say that we are living two very separate lives in this one-bedroom apartment. Hopefully, the two can be reunited soon.
Well, I suppose that is probably enough rambling for one evening. I'll leave you with the photo of the day. Gaze upon this beautiful creature. (S)he was intently staring at a dog that was visiting the zoo that day. I've never been an inspired animal lover, but I do always find myself in awe of giraffes. The Madison Zoo provided me with three last Saturday. How fabulous it is to live in a city that has its own zoo.
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